A Nightmare on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street
Starring: Kyle Gallner, Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara
Director: Samuel Bayer
Warner Bros. Pictures
In Cinemas from Friday 7th May
Review by Brad Harmer

Fred Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley – Not Robert Englund) “returns” in A Nightmare on Elm Street, a “contemporary re-imagining” of the horror classic. A group of suburban teenagers share one common bond: they are all being stalked by Freddy Krueger, a horribly disfigured killer who hunts them in their dreams. As long as they stay awake, they can protect one another...but when they sleep, there is no escape.

There is only one person involved in this soul raping of a movie that I have both appreciation and sympathy for, and that is Jackie Earle Haley. He had impossibly big shoes to fill for this (did anyone even think that they should have offered this to Robert Englund? Can you imagine him turning it down? Really?), and he really gives it his all. However, there’s something about his performance that is very self-conscious and awkward, as though even he doesn’t think they should be doing this. I wonder if everyone else felt the same, too.

There is only one word for a movie like this, and that’s “soulless”. This isn’t John Carpenters saying “Hey, I think I could do something with The Thing from Another World”. This is some dumb suit somewhere saying “Hey, we could make money from Freddy again, now!”. It’s corporate bull-shit, and it actively offends me.

All of the parts that work are lifted directly from the original. All the “new” elements feel crammed in and stupid. Even some classic scenes, like Krueger leaning in over Nancy through the wall of her room are ruined by some ridiculously bad CG.

It’s full of the “make you jump because we can’t actually scare you” bullshit you always get in these things. With that said, it even manages to botch a few of them. Man, this thing’s a mess.

At one point, a main character manages to fall asleep and slip into Krueger’s world whilst swimming.

Oh, and Depp’s death scene? You know...the best one in the first movie? Totally gone from this one.

Oh, but don’t worry, it gets much worse. Most slasher movies are tarred with the “drinks, drugs, and sex will get you killed” moral tar-brush. I’ll admit that that is the case with Friday the 13th and Halloween...but not A Nightmare on Elm Street. A Nightmare on Elm Street is about the older generation’s unwillingness to listen to its children. Teenagers are getting killed left, right and centre, but parents, teachers, doctors and the police don’t believe them. With me so far? Good.

Right, in this version, about halfway through, the main characters believes that Fred Krueger was innocent – and that his parents had torched an innocent man. The male lead then says “We were five years old! We didn’t know what we were saying!”. It turns out that he is actually guilty, but the damage is done.

Thanks Hollywood. You’ve given us a movie whose message is “When kids say they’re being abused, don’t listen. They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.”.

Dear Warner Bros.,

Love,

Brad

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Normal for the genre. Fred “dies” like a daisy.
Sex/Nudity: Minimal. The female lead even climbs into the bath in a spazzy way to make sure there’s no chance we’ll see her boobs.
Swearing: Minimal. Feeble.
Summary: No horror film is out at the cinema this weekend. There is nothing to see here. Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street is available on DVD from all good shops and on-line retailers. 2/10

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A spectacular tale of betrayal and revenge featuring some of the most stunning martial arts fighting ever seen on film.

Based upon an age-old legend The Assassin’s Blade tells the story of a girl Yan Gi who, disguised as a boy, enters the country’s greatest all-male martial arts academy. Struggling with the physical strength of her male counterparts, Yan Gi finds an ally in the school’s top student, Chan Shan, who discovers her secret and tutors her to become one of the most lethal assassins in the academy.

As the pair eventually fall in love, it is revealed that the girl is betrothed to a childhood friend Ma, who embarks on a violent plan of blackmail to ensure that she becomes his wife.

When Ma’s treachery is revealed, Chun Shan has no choice but to use all that he’s learned from the academy to exact justice...

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